* Congratulations to New Face Lady. Great news for any other gunshot victims out there: Bea Arthur's face is now available. Nobody? No takers? Really?
* Ever wonder what would happen if someone took the magic of air guitar and applied it to sex? Wonder no more. I was once so aggressive during "air sex," my junk punched a hole in the ozone layer.
* Props to the County Board for voting to roll back the stupid sales tax increase. Too bad Todd Stroger (a.k.a. "Urkel," a.k.a. "Toddler") is going to veto the move. Post-vote, he threw a tantrum where he claimed a rollback would cost thousands of jobs and at least one hospital closure. Stroger adds that if the commissioners try this again, he will hold his breath indefinitely, or until he gets a cookie.
* Paula Abdul has been high on painkillers for 12 years. They were initially prescribed during her difficult breakup with MC Skat Kat.
* Hey old man, that music you hear isn't your neighbors, it's the musical greeting card on your window sill blowing open. Ugh. Stop being so old and senile.
* Scientists make a racecar that runs on chocolate. That's great and everything, but I can eat chocolate. I can't drink gasoline. Make a car that runs on whack food, like White Castle or Hot Pockets.
* Kevin Bacon sparked a new branch of science. It's called HammyOverActingology.
* Don't you hate it when you look at the wax statue of yourself, only to realize how fat you are?
* In Michigan, the last remaining way to make money is selling bits of your body. Once you've sold everything but your brain, your cerebrum will be put in a jar and housed in an abandoned car factory outside Detroit.
* Drew Peterson is offered a job at the Reno brothel shown on HBO's "Cathouse." Guess the owner just really, really wants a bunch of dead prostitutes littering the hallways. (ALLEGEDLY!)
... previously on the Breakfast Blog, "16 Dead Hookers."
* Do your part for science, count squirrels. Then reflect on how achingly boring your life has become.
* 10 Questions to Ask Your Mother. (#2 is "Why did you choose to be with my father?" To which I imagine my mother would reply, "I didn't know any better.")
* 7 Food Promotions Gone Horribly Wrong. McDonald's "Rusty Syringe Happy Meal" conspicuously absent.
* When an ailing 6-year-old girl makes a wish, it rarely involves Ted Nugent. But there are exceptions.
* The average erect penis is 5-6". And every guy reading this is reaching for a ruler with one hand and typing "w-w-w dot (obscure disgusting fetish) dot com" with his other hand.
* Heads up, ladies: The PedEgg will shred your foot like a cheese grater.
* Playboy's Sexiest CEOs includes three actually sexy chicks, several homely ones and one lady who looks like the face transplant chick. (Sorry, Alyssa. Nothing personal. If it makes you feel better, you're only marginally less pretty than Rashmi.)
* For some reason, the Top 9 "American Idol" Finalists Who Didn't Win includes Sanjaya. Top 9 as far as what? Songs ruined?
* I don't want to say it's a slow news week, but yesterday the news media nearly had an aneurysm over the President eating lunch. (Next week, the explosive expose about how the President actually poops.)
* Finally, I direct you to the fact that Amazon.com sells wolf T-shirts. This information alone should be enough to stir your soul. But it gets better. Because the user reviews of the wolf T-shirts are p.r.i.c.e.l.e.s.s...
"Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark."
"I saw this three wolf shirt and instantly ordered it. Upon receiving it I put it on. Now my bucket seats look sweet. I hope I can afford to buy another one for the passenger seat before they are sold out. A Trans-Am can't have too many Three Wolf Shirts."
"You wouldn't believe the tail I pull in this f'n thing."
"I'm in the hospital now, the doctors recommend I take off my shirt to perform certain surgeries but I refused. If I go, my shirt goes too."
Yes, wolf shirts are inherently awesome. But can they compare to a T-shirt that makes it look like a bear is clawing through your rib cage?
(I took this picture at the 2008 Chicago Latin Music Festival. My biggest regret in life is not buying that shirt.)