* What if your prom date was decided by random draw? There's a school where that happens...
... random draw would have been the only way I would have made it to prom. I was a band nerd, which automatically put a good 90% of the girls out of my league. And the girl I wanted to ask was usurped by one of my best friends. So I spent the night of my prom at home, watching "Clear and Present Danger" on a 13" TV in my bedroom. Not much has changed since senior year. Except now I whittle away my life with a 32" TV and DVDs instead of VHS. Thanks for bringing back such lovely memories, Phil.
* Erin's dad might need a little help with his musical tribute to the bride. (Suffer through the awkwardness for the incredibly goofy pay-off at the end.)
* Seth McFarlane, 35, creator of "Family Guy," $100 million.
Ben Bowman, 32, creator of this blog, considerably less.
* May is National Masturbation Month. June is National How Do I Get This Stain Out? Month.
* For those of you who've always wanted to be hugged by a wall with arms, your day has come.
* Oh, great. Somebody else declares a greatest pizza on the planet. Why have I never heard of "Great Lake" before? Seriously, it's nowhere on the Chicago pizza radar. And it's supposed to be better than everything else in the world? What's more, this GQ clown makes Great Lake the only Chicago pie in his Top 25. I arch my eyebrow in Spock-like fashion and fold my arms until I can investigate this blasphemy.
* 10 Creative Ways to Make Extra Money. (#3 - Harvest your grandparents' organs as they sleep.)
* Today, Jerry Springer tapes his final shows in Chicago before heading off to Connecticut. Yes! More empty rooms in the NBC Tower! (I think I saw a tumbleweed roll through here the other day.) Once upon a time, somebody thought it would be a good idea to stick ol' Jer on our news set. The station essentially imploded. Goodbye, Jerry. I'm sorry I never bumped into you in the elevator. I'm sure I would have said nothing to you. And it would have been a story I would have shared with my grandkids someday.
* If you are a 28-year-old man, being on the school board is a nice achievement. Living in your parents' basement is not. And throwing food at your father and making a fist at him when he asks you to clean your room is probably some sort of red flag.
* I very much want to see the Museum of Broken Relationships. It's like BodyWorlds, but the carnage is emotional.
* Just how screwed up is your life if your twins have different fathers?
* People around the world are being plagued by some sort of mysterious humming noise. I know what you're thinking and no, it's not that Crash Test Dummies song playing in the background.
* Here's a phrase I never thought I'd be typing when I woke up: "Willem Dafoe ejaculating blood."
* If you get Joe Biden drunk, he will tell you anything. Even sober, the VP can't latch his yap.
* Here's how ten random women met their current boyfriends. Incredibly, none of them fell from the sky into his lap while he watched the NHL playoffs and pondered his next morning's blog. And that explains a lot.
* Do not drive while eating a bowl of cereal and milk. It is unlikely you will succeed at either task.
* Can someone tell me why President Obama may be considering Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm for the Supreme Court? Is he looking for someone to bankrupt them, too? So far as I know, there's only one less competent person in the entire state of Michigan, and that's Lions owner William Clay Ford.
* Scientists ponder why we kiss. Or, why others kiss and the rest of us glance over jealously and kick rocks.
* Meet "Drank," the anti-energy drink. I already have something similar in my medicine cabinet. I call it NyQuil.
* The greatest writer in the history of "The Simpsons" writes books? Why was I not told of this sooner?
* Hollywood is making a movie about the old board game "Battleship." It's the harrowing tale of evil, red plastic pegs that slowly sink massive boats. Here's the trailer...
