Ben’s Breakfast Blog

Does My Hair Look Okay?

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    NEWSLETTERS

    Don't judge my hair.

    * Unless you wish to remain fatally uncool, you must expand your vocabulary to include the words "presh," "fomo" and "bellig."

    * Sorry, kids.  You cannot be a Chinese astronaut if you have B.O.  Or bad breath.  Or a runny nose.  Or a scar.  I get the first three... but no scars?  Yeah... turns out scars can burst open in space.  Why have we not seen this in a movie yet?  Can you imagine a more awesome scene?

    * Bank employee chases down a thief and holds him until police arrive.  Does he get...
    A) Promoted.
    B) A medal.
    C) Fired.

    * If you're going to play the telephone game with your wedding proposal, don't be surprised if, "Will you marry me?" becomes, "You have hairy feet."

    * Apparently, it's bad if you skip breakfast.  I've been skipping it for the last 14 years.  I should be dead, shouldn't I?

    Why Netflix stinks.  I gave up on it after having the first season of "Battlestar Galactica" on "very long wait" for six months.

    * I think we all can enjoy a bikini that dissolves in water, can't we?

     * Redheads are more sensitive to pain.  Between this and the sunburn, it's a miracle we're not all overdosing on sleeping pills.

    * Too busy to potty train your child?  Just send 'em to school and let the teachers deal with it.

    Gym class injuries are up 150% in the last ten years.  Probably because of the compulsory unit on Thunderball...

    * 80-90% of pro athletes cheat on their wives.  The other 10% are in the WNBA.  (Fascinating read, that link.)

    * New trend: Teenage Women in Their Thirties.  (TWITs for short.)  See?  Women can delay adulthood and sleep around just as well as men.

    * "We have lots of data showing that women generally are far more sensitive to feelings of cold."  Really?  Thanks for that, Brainiac.

    * Benefits of being a scientist: Having a penis-shaped, foul-smelling fungus named after you.

    * New York's awesome solution to the homeless problem?  Export 'em.

    Hair is toxic.  (Especially if it comes from that family at the top of the blog.)

    * Video game nerds are hooked for life.  This goes without saying.  Only the lure of a woman is powerful enough to break the video game curse.  And no woman is attracted to a video game-playing shut-in.  So until girls become so desperate that they're turned on by your prowess on Battletoads, you nerds will just have to fill that lady-shaped hole with more button-pushing and Wii swooshing.

    * Got a degree and can't find a job?  Sue your alma mater!  It's the American way.

    Chicks in Saudi Arabia are turning to plastic surgery in increasing numbers.  Look at the results!