* The city has once again towed my car. If this happens again, they can keep it.
* Some women are blessed with brains. Some are blessed with beauty. If you have neither, and you are a 38-year-old woman desperate to get married, maybe offering someone your 17-year-old Jeep will seal the deal...
* I hit the first movie in Chicago's Outdoor Film Festival in Grant Park last night. It was glorious. "Sunset Boulevard."
Oh, and to the horribly unattractive blond woman who sat to my right and felt compelled to comment on EVERY SHOT of the movie, I hope you die a David Carradine-style death, only in public. While rodents gnaw at your face. And a clown shoots you in the eyes with a squirt gun full of napalm.
* Today's porno movies spend even less time on plot... if such a thing were possible.
* What does your music say about your personality? Having Kenny G on your iPod means that you are outgoing and intent on sodomizing exhaust pipes.
* The maitre d' at Italian Village just celebrated his 50th year on the job. Italian Village: good food, low prices, great atmosphere, surly waitstaff.
* What do you do when sex is awful? Uhhh... be grateful that at least you are more competent with the opposite sex than I am?
* "Sorry, kids. No summer camp this year. How about a trip to Grandma's house instead? What's that? It's boring and she smells funny? I know. But Mom and Dad have no money, so go pound sand, mmmkay?"
* Here's how to get over being passed over for a promotion at work. Liquor and innocent bystanders worked for my old man, it'll work for me.
* Wanna play the odds to see if those newlyweds are going to divorce? Enjoy.
* When your man dumps you, cross-reference his reason against these tried and true excuses. And then call me. I will settle for rebound chicks.
* British men do not understand women. (Though to be fair, I don't understand this whole "run your woman a bath when she's had a bad day" thing. There is nothing about a bath that is relaxing or enjoyable to a man, so this would not occur to us.)
* Can a long-distance relationship really work? In some extraordinary cases, yes. The rest of you, break up if you live more than a mile apart.
* How "hetero" is your Twitter feed? Mine is just 76%. Perhaps I need to log fewer entries about eyebrow sculpting.
* If you shack up before you get married, you are going to divorce. Again, when that happens, I will be available for rebounds.
* Paris is hoping to land more tourists by asking its residents to smile more. Yes, my Parisian friends. Smile so your inherent rudeness is microscopically less off-putting.
* Recession-proof business: Japan's hotels designed specifically for quickies.
* Is the 1 hour and 45 minute Judas Priest album "Nostradamus" really so good that you can listen to it every day? Or is this guy just nuts?
* If you don't mind profanity and blood, you're going to enjoy this video of a drunk Australian guy smashing windshields with his forehead.
* Did you hear the story about the 15-year-old kid who melted down the media world by simply telling everyone what young people already know? (Highlights: We don't read newspapers. We do watch TV. Twitter is stupid.) This kid is simply telling the truth and he's Moses all of a sudden. "Lead us, oh great teenager! Lead us to media prosperity!"
What media bosses don't understand is that in this era, content is king. That's why this blog is the giant unstoppable phenomenon that it is. I got content to burn. People wouldn't care if this were a TV show or a newspaper or a podcast. If it is entertaining or informative, an audience will find it and follow it. But if it is buried under advertisements or hard to find or of abysmal quality, people will flee en masse.
I spend two and a half hours every morning scouring Planet Earth for the best possible content. And if there's any way to make that into something on TV, you will see it on Channel 5 around 4:52 in the morning. That's been my goal every single day. But the news industry generally reeks of hype and lameness, so youngsters are wary. Pretty much the only way to make a young person wake up that early to watch news is if you break their DVRs and show hard core pornography or the winning Lotto numbers *before* the actual drawing.
And yet, we treat our audience like they don't know how to look up the weather forecast online. Want it every five minutes? No? Too bad. Here it comes again. Yep. Still gonna rain.
Somewhere along the line, we forgot how to make people care about the news. And then we stopped caring. And that is killing us.
* This has gotta be fake, right?