Ben’s Breakfast Blog

Bill, Killed (Himself)

Email
|
Print

    NEWSLETTERS

    * David Carradine suffocated himself while masturbating and trying to strangulate his wang.  Congratulations, sir.  You just became an eternal punchline.

    While discussing his auto-erotic asphyxiation, Executive Producer Wendy said, "At age 72, I think that's awesome." 

    I asked her at which age choking-yourself-while-jerking-it moves from "creepy" to "awesome."

    "65," she said.

    So... something else to look forward to in retirement.

    Johnny Depp likes to watch YouTube videos on his yacht.  Among them, this gem, where an old man uses fire to cut his hair...

     

    The Burning Man Haircut

     

    Martina Navratilova wants tennis players to stop grunting as they swing.  Funny.  I'd think something like that would turn her on.

    * Reigning Chicago Air Guitar Champion Nordic Thunder came to the studio to teach the anchors how to rock today.  It was one of the best things I've ever orchestrated.  Nordic Thunder won't be competing in tomorrow's Air Guitar Championships because of an injury, but he will be judging.  Here's an interview with him as he talks about the artform... and how a guy named "The Rocktopuss" is expected to shred the competition.  (Rocktopuss?  I am so totally going to this tomorrow.)

    * FOX and CBS have competing arranged marriage reality shows in the works.  I think I'm on the verge of setting my TV on fire.  What's with this garbage?  Where did all the good shows go?

    What do you do if your best friend de-friends you on a social networking site?  If you're David Carradine, auto-erotic asphyxiation is probably your go-to coping mechanism.

    * When you get a divorce, dress up in wedding garb and throw yourself a divorce party.  Then pretend like you haven't just wasted an enormous portion of your life.

    * More people are dabbling in real-life superheroics.  If I were to be a superhero, my power would be to stand outside the action and make snide comments about it.

    Crazy stats about marital sex...
    - Married couples average sex 58 times a year.
    - Married couples under 30 have sex 111 times a year.
    - 15% of married couples haven't had sex within the last 6 months-1 year.
    - This is all kind of depressing, isn't it?

    * I approve of this underground Bud Light commercial.  The best part is the creep with the mustache.  (Probably not appropriate for work, unless your work involves whatever David Carradine was up to.)

     

    This Porn's For You

     

    Conservatives are more squeamish.  Which is why they like their torture far away, in a place like Guantanamo.  Less upsetting when you can't see it.

    * Though this seems fake, it seems a judge has ruled against a woman who sued the maker of Cap'n Crunch because "crunchberries" aren't real fruit.  I give up on humanity.

    * New York Magazine's Vulture is all over the demise of the once-mighty NBC network.  First off, they discuss how Jay Leno has supposedly been barred from booking any A-list celebs.  That bodes well as we lead in to our local news five nights a week.

    Secondly, they chart the ratings black hole we call, "I Was on TV One Time, Get Me Out of Here!"  From the premiere, ratings dropped 15% on Tuesday, then another 22% on Wednesday.  At this rate, there will be more people on the show than watching the show.  I speak from authority, as I produce a show seen only by my coworkers and one meth addict in Midlothian.

    Here's why white men get paid more.  (Obviously, this article does is not referring to professional athletes.)

    * Props to this young reporter for keeping his cool even when his live shot goes to hell...


    Reporter Hit by Sprinkler

    * Tips on dealing with that coworker you hate.  (#4 - Strangle them and leave their body naked a la David Carradine.)

    Customer: "Can you cut my Whopper in half?"
    BK Employee: "No."
    Customer: "Because otherwise, it's hard to eat, since I have one arm."
    BK Employee: "Hit the bricks, Lefty."

    * I don't want to tell you what to do with your life, but "Land of the Lost" looks absolutely terrible.  Even though our parent company is producing it, and we are so desperate for cash we're selling vital parts of our buildings for scrap metal, I would advise against wasting your time on this flick.  Will Ferrell's track record is extremely spotty.  I somehow think I'd even regret a rental of this bomb.  But maybe I'll be proven wrong.

    The Shady Lady Ranch brothel is hiring male prostitutes.  Well, that seals it.  Guess this is my last blog.  If you want more of my thoughts, I'll be in Vegas with my pants around my ankles, trolling for customers.