* Don't you hate it when your kid paints a 60-foot penis on the roof of your mansion?
* That's somethin' for the ladies. Now here's somethin' for the lads: Cindy Crawford poses nude (probably NSFW). How nice of her to get lathered up for us. (We're supposed to glean some sort of "older ladies can be hot, too" lesson from this. I choose to ignore the lesson and focus on the soapy nudity.)
* Old and busted: Seeing-eye dogs. New hotness: Seeing-eye horses.
* Who wants to go to Mexico for cheap dentistry? For an even cheaper alternative, I remember dental tools being sold at the Shipshewana flea market. Grab a plaque scraper and a mirror, then enjoy years of haphazard dental care in the comfort of your own home.
* New web trend: Brightsiding. It's where you act like a paint-huffing moron and go psychotically happy. There's really no difference between this and an ostrich with his head in the sand. Ignoring bad news doesn't make it go away. Dealing with it does. So stop dancing around like a clown and get to work. If you insist on being hyper-happy, I will crouch in the bushes and wait for the perfect time to punch you in the face.
* Religious folks work harder to stave off death. Why? Shouldn't they be flinging themselves in traffic? Heaven's gotta be way cheaper than Chicago.
* I am torn. This Thursday, I perform at the iO Theater with Whiskey Rebellion. But that night the Admiral Theatre is hosting "So You Think You Can Strip" - a talent contest for aspiring strippers. On one hand, I love improvising wth my team. On the other hand, nudity. I could try to work nudity into our show, but we have far too many men to make that appealing. Maybe one of you can come and be nude in the audience. It's really the only way to make everyone happy.
* Saudi clerics want to ban women from appearing on TV. My inner feminist is outraged. My outer chauvinist thinks this would make it much easier for me to get a better job in TV.
* Texas senator introduces bill to restructure newspapers as nonprofits. Doesn't he know papers are already nonprofit? (Zing!)
* The Rumor Mill grinds to a halt as someone wonders aloud if Dolly Parton is gay. Really? We're reduced to pondering the dusty nether regions of a 63-year-old woman? One who's been married to a man for 43 years? You can do better, gossip mongers.
* More than 25% of women would make their best friend fat for life if they could be thin. Alternately, I recommend feeding your best friend really fatty foods so when you stand next to her, you look thinner by comparison.
* ABC News blows the lid off the greatest story of our age: Some songs contain naughty lyrics. Do you ever get the feeling your grandparents get to pick the stories on the news every day?
* When you ponder the vast suckitude of your life, be glad you haven't had two atomic bombs dropped on you like this guy. Two. Atomic bombs. Rough weekend.
* Why don't toddlers do as they're told? Because they're toddlers and they're stupid? Don't get all agitated. It's true. You are way smarter than a toddler.
* There are those who carpe diem. And there are those who save their diems for a rainy day. It's called hyperopia - a laser lock on planning for the future so you can't enjoy the present.
I'm pretty sure I suffer from this. I've taken exactly two vacations in the last ten years. Every other vacation was a staycation, including the one where I just sat in my apartment and taught myself how to play chess.
Oh, God. My youth. My beautiful youth...
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