Ben’s Breakfast Blog

America, Meet Adam Lambert's Crotch Snake

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James Bond hooks up with half of all female characters he encounters.  Poor Moneypenny.  Poor, poor Moneypenny.

* Need help studying?  For $119, you can buy a 20 lb ball and chain that attaches to your ankle and won't let go until the timer is up.  Or use it to put your unruly child on "time out"  Your choice.

Sonny & Cher's kid is having a sex change operation.  I'm sure the transformation from overweight woman to overweight "man" will be mesmerizing.

President Obama is now handing out excused absences from school.  Man, this guy can work a crowd.  At his next rally, expect him to fart a rainbow that cures cancer.

* Tomorrow night, Rod Blagojevich is going to appear in the Second City spoof of his downfall, "Rod Blagojevich Superstar."  Oh.  Oh, no.  Somebody help me.  I think I just liked Rod Blagojevich for a second.  Quarantine me.  Quarantine me!

Sandra Bullock talks about Ryan Reynolds' naked "rock hard" body.  You know, in that terrible movie they're in together?  They have that naked scene.  Except you won't be able to see anything because it's PG-13, so who cares?

Can MySpace make a comeback?  No.  Unless you still have an AOL e-mail address, then you'll find out about it in five years or so.

The English language got its millionth word Wednesday.  Good luck, immigrants.

* One of the only two watchable shows on our network, "30 Rock" is a rip-off of "The Muppet Show."  Now that I think about it, that is absolutely right.  And both shows rock, so who cares?

* Remember "The A-Team"?  Yeah, there's gonna be a movie of that, too.  I love it when a plan comes together and then years later is re-imagined into a far worse plan and annoys everyone.

The 10 Best Places to Live. (#1 - Anywhere that doesn't have a 10.25% sales tax.)

* Surprisingly, the list of 41 People You Always See in Infomercials doesn't include the easily amazed studio audience.

* As shockingly predicted earlier this week, "Idol" runner-up Adam Lambert comes out as gay.  Somehow, the world is still standing.  And yet, an alarming number of cougars want to sway Lambert back to Straightsville.  I just want him to go away.

* Waste part of your Friday on these 45 Ridiculous Pictures of Boy Bands.  Incredibly, there's not one where the singer lies on his back with a green snake and a butterfly pin in his crotch.  Becaust that would be too ridiculous.

* You know what would really, really, really suck?  Waking up mid-surgery and being unable to move or talk.  Hello, nightmare fuel.

Where Obama eats, America follows.  Seriously, this dude is so popular, he could eat a package of Band-Aids and everyone would follow suit.

You can go to jail for five months if you rip off a politician's toupee.  Joe Biden's hair plugs stand defiantly against such tyranny.

Japan is banning rape video games.  In other news, ew.

Less than 50% of Britons know where their heart is.  Guess that explains all the CPR-gone-wrong stories of people pushing the wrong body part.

Bret Michaels posted this pretty pic of himself on his MySpace page following his run in with a set piece at the Tony's, June 7.Bret Michaels whines about his injury at the Tonys and shares pictures of his disgusting face.  Oh, and his disgusting face is now battered and bruised, too.

* Enjoy the Top 14 TV Interview Trainwrecks.  This list does not include a certain movie critic who showed up to my show reeking of booze and crying because he missed his scheduled interview time.  But I remember that fondly in my own mind.

Your dog does not look guilty, nor does he feel guilty.  You are just an insane pet owner.  Get a date.  And stop huffing paint.

Snakes on a police station.

Fact: "G.I. Joe" looks awful.  Theory: It might be worse than it looks.  Sad Truth: That didn't stop "Transformers."

Don't come to work sick; it makes things worse.  Flashback: March 5, 2008 - I came to work on death's door.

This harsh article ponders why "The Hangover" beat "Land of the Lost," and whether Will Ferrell's movie star credentials should be revoked.  Bonus slam against George Clooney toward the end.

* The blog must depart for a week, kiddies.  Work silliness and my sister's wedding will rob me of blogging time.  I shall return Monday, June 22.  Stay frosty.  (In the meantime, enjoy the blog's shorter, more highly publicized cousin: Counter Intelligence.)

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