Ben’s Breakfast Blog

"Alas, Poor Billy! I Knew Him, Horatio."

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I ran an incredibly slow 5K Saturday.  Over 25 minutes.  I am disgusted.  Less than two years ago, I ripped off a 5K in 23:02.  Now I'm two minutes slower?  Either I'm aging rapidly or I'm getting fatter or I need to start juicing.  Maybe all three.  The men of PTI have a saying - "Father Time is undefeated."

* 4 Reasons Dying is Better Than Moving.  (NSFW Language)  Amen, brother.  Moving is the worst thing ever.  I'd almost rather set fire to all my worldly possessions and buy new ones when I settle in.

* Remember The Chris Farley Show on the mid-90s SNL?  If Farley were still around, he'd probably give a wedding toast like this one...

Men prefer food to sex.  If that's the case, I have plenty of food and would be willing to trade some to a man with access to the other experience in question.

* What happens when you die on the same day as someone infinitely more famous?  The article essentially boo-hoos the whole Farrah Fawcett death, seeing as she was eclipsed by Michael Jackson.  But did Farrah Fawcett really deserve a huge tribute?  So far as I know, all she did was one season of an awful TV show and she was on a poster one time.  Hell, I was more upset that Billy Mays died.  Billy Mays provided useful information about products I may wish to add to my home.  Farrah just showed up on Letterman, coked out of her mind.  Billy was far too professional for that.  We love you, Billy, wherever you are.

Assault with Cheetos!?!  Must've been easy to collect fingerprints.

* In the search for love, it's hard to be more of a total failure than me, but this guy seems to have a good shot at dethroning me from my Perch of Failure.™  (When describing your perfect lady, be sure to include a super-long table of contents.  And know that women really respond to lines like, "She has a trim waistline. Alternatively, if her waistline is ALMOST (but not quite) trim, she is willing to trim it down for me and keep it trim for me. No exceptions.")

* 15% of kids believe they'll die young, which is partly why they act stupid.  The other reason they act stupid is because they are kids, and kids are inherently dumb.

* This story about a bear wandering in someone's yard gets progressively sillier as it goes on.  I don't know whether to applaud or slap the reporter...

* Why do politicians cheat on their wives?  Presumably so the wife can parlay that betrayal into a job as Secretary of State someday.

* Optimists live longer than pessimists.  But pessimists are probably happy taking the early exit.

Women are more accurate when hammering a nail in the light.  Men are more accurate in the dark.  But those numbers don't reflect women's natural aversion to swinging injurious materials in the dark.  Girls are funny that way.

* How well can you read faces?  Take a look at the pictures below, then try to assign one of the following to each: anger, fear, sadness, disgust, contempt, surprise, or enjoyment.  Answers here.

* Congrats to those of you who had "Less than 24 hours" in the Divorce Pool.

How to Moonwalk.

* When the composers Frederic Chopin and Franz Liszt performed in the 19th century, women threw their underwear at them.  I've never had anything thrown at me during any of my performances.  At this stage of the game, I'd settle for a mitten.

* Arizona will soon allow concealed weapons in bars. Elsewhere, guns in church. Meh.  Call me when they allow you to carry a trident on the El.

* What to do if you get laid off.  Step #1 - Find your nearest bell tower...

* And finally, yours truly saddles up with Jason Piazza to answer another pressing question: What's up with adults portraying kids in TV & movies?

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