Ben’s Breakfast Blog

A very manly Thursday: Punching, Sinatra, Mustaches

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    NEWSLETTERS

    * Here are the Zombie Ants I warned you about yesterday.

    * Single ladies, you need a "husband hunting bra."  It comes decked out with a digital countdown clock that would make Jack Bauer blush.

    * Obituary photos are getting younger as the dead become more vain.  I'd like my obituary picture to be the one from the crime scene where they find my body.

    Gym class was pointless, obviously.

    AP Photo/FOX, Frank Micelotta* Since Simon has come out as totally backing Adam "Shrieking Goblin" Lambert, some are wondering if that makes the "Idol" finale anti-climactic.  Look, I know Adam is basically Freddie Mercury sans 'stache, but he's not pleasant to listen to.  When he hits his falsetto, he reminds me of when my baby sister would cry.  Kris Allen's rendition of Kanye West's "Heartless" was miles better than anything Lambert croaked out Tuesday.  But Kris doesn't wear nail polish, so clearly I don't know anything.

    * If you are a white guy who grew up in Africa, can you be an African-American?  Or will that freak everyone out and result in lawsuits?  (For the record, I have been deemed an "honorary brother" by two men of color.)

    * Ladies, if you want your man to buy you a car, just act like a total loon and start driving around the showroom.  It works!

    * Madrid just got a huge leg up on Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics.  After all, we can't boast breathable cocaine throughout the city.  It's enough to make Len Bias rise from the grave to play for the U.S.

    Should you befriend work acquaintances on Facebook?  Only if you're really trying to get fired.  HR departments exist for the sole reason of discovering why you're unacceptable as a human, then snatching away your paycheck so they can give it to some cookie-cutter kiss-up with no personality and less intelligence.  Work is The Matrix, and you're just an overgrown fetus with a tube sucking energy from your atrophied body.

    Scorsese is doing a Sinatra biopic???  The only way this could be more manly would be if it stars Ditka. 

    How to punch.

    * Proving that cash-strapped governments will stick you with the shaft, no matter how asinine the reason, a Rhode Island mayor wants to tax college students.  You learn, you pay.  Or, remain ignorant and save money.  Your choice.

    Whether you are pro-torture or not depends on your religion.  So what's the logic there... "WWJD?  He'd get beaten and crucified.  Let's spread it around!"?

    * The chimp that mauled that lady was on drugs.  And if there's one threat that can shred America to ribbons, it is roving bands of drugged-up chimps.

    * Rather than use yesterday's Tapestry Generator, blog aficionado/spellchecker/link verifier Carly spent the day hand-stitching this ode to what the blog might have been called in days of yore...

    Some people freak out about their high school reunions.  Other, more level-headed people don't go to theirs.  (I did not attend my 10-year reunion.  By all accounts, it was lousy.)

    * Should you find yourself tasked with writing the next "Star Trek" movie, the Star Trek Failure Generator will come in handy for that malfunction that only Scotty can fix.

    American Mustache Institute.  That is all.