* Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2009 World Beard Champion...
(But where does it fall on the Hierarchy of Beards?)
* This Memorial Day weather was totally unacceptable. I lost feeling in my hands as I walked around Sunday night. There weren't barbecues, so much as people huddled around a grill for warmth. What a rip. I'm moving.
* Jon and Kate (of "Plus 8" fame) are angry at the media. Yes, the media. Won't the media leave them alone so they can be taped by a crew of two dozen people in peace?
* The recession is creating more "urban survivalists." Because if there's one rational response to crisis, it's TOTAL PANIC.
* The Air Force just randomly told everyone GPS satellites are NOT going to fall from the sky. Then they added, "There's no reason at all we're evacuating all personnel from Duluth, Minnesota," and followed that up with, "Hey! Look over there!" before running away from reporters' microphones.
* Fans of car racing are riskier drivers, more likely to be killed by flaming NASCAR wreckage.
* "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" was an awful movie. "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" was a really good TV show. So now, they're making another "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" movie. This one, without any of the players that made "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" a good TV show. Because Hollywood never met a legacy it didn't want to tarnish.
* When I was a kid, I loved the movie "Flight of the Navigator." As an adult, I realize I was a stupid child. But hey, that's getting a remake, too. (Written by the same guy who brought us that awful-looking "comedy" "Wild Hogs." Will lightning strike twice?)
* Suicidal Guy: "I'm gonna jump!"
Bitter Bystander: "Just do it already. (Shove)"
* Wedding Tip #47 - If the groom's face turns black from all the booze he's chugging, tell him to take it easy. Or he'll die.
* More than 200 prisoners are going to be given bikes and turned loose in France. In other news, France is about to be stabbed to death.
* We are likely to seek out our genetic opposite when choosing a mate. Which explains why I'm attracted to people who don't hate every minute of their lives.
* The whole world is optimistic. Um, I must have been sick the day they took this poll.
* A cake made to look like an AT-AT from "The Empire Strikes Back"?!?! I will marry the first woman who makes me one of these. (Sorry, first lady who will make me one of those.)
* Want a hooker to play golf with you? (Okay, so technically, they're not hookers. But they probably are.)
* Deluded goofball/esteemed faux-Senator Roland Burris tells of his harrowing flight and how he helped an elderly woman off the plane. But a woman on the plane is calling shenanigans. Oh, Roland, is there any shred of reality anywhere in that dream world of yours?
* Creepily plastic-looking mom buys her 18-year-old daughter Botox injections for her birthday. (Waiting for the nutjob who injects Botox in utero to prevent the baby from coming out all wrinkly-lookin'.)