* Ladies and gentlemen, computer sleuth Zach has ferreted out the evil code jackin' with my images. From here on out, you should see the images in their proper place. Zach gets a gold star for effort.
* I should explain the blog's title today. Since it's Tuesday, we're wed to the always popular "Text Tuesday" segment. We have to come up with some multiple choice question in the hope that our viewers will want to text us their opinion. Today was particularly tough in the question department.
I suggested several...
"Do you want the Olympics in Chicago?"
"How ya' doin' today?"
Playing off the Empress Casino fire where employees will get 90 days pay and benefits... "Would you be willing to set fire to your workplace if you got three free months of pay?"
And based on the Al Sanchez conviction, "What would it take to bring down Mayor Daley?" (Suggested answers: A) Wiretaps. B) Eyewitness testimony of corruption. C) 16 dead hookers.)
Arch Nemesis Producer Jim loved the "16 dead hookers" idea, so we continued generating more multiple choice questions where "C" was always "16 dead hookers." It works well in a surprising number of circumstances.
* Some gay bars are banning bachelorette parties. I humbly offer my apartment as a substitute.
* Geek Alert! In my frantic search for news this morning, I stumbled across one of the coolest websites I have ever seen: Behind-the-scenes at the planning meeting that resulted in "Indiana Jones." (It should be noted that the planning meeting that resulted in the "Crystal Skull" sequel involved George Lucas, an enormous bong and the ghost of Ed Wood.)
* The internet's latest moneymaking scheme: Religious websites. At least one website offers a computer program that will read your chosen prayer aloud (for a fee, of course.) It boasts, "Show God you are serious. Get the complete Rosary package - $49.95/month." Yeah. I'm sure that works on God. Like He's going to be overseeing the war in Iraq and He hears some computer-y robot voice rattling off your prayer and He says, "Good to know Bobby's staying in touch."
* 8 ideas for a home gym costing less than $100. Alternately, for $10, I would be happy to call you and yell at you and tell you how fat you are. Seriously, ten bucks. For $20, I'll do it in my Dr. Phil voice.
* Octomom fired the people providing free nanny care for her litter. I am starting to think she's crazy.
* Some uniform Nazi levied a technical foul against a high school basketball team because the stripes on their jerseys were too wide. What? Even better, the team lost their playoff game... by one point. The team played 33 games in those jerseys and no one said anything. Then they get to the playoffs and Jerky McLetterofthelaw decides to wreck their year? That is just asinine. And there's more... the team offered to wear their road uniforms, but the official said they were too colorful. I want this guy fired. I want him fired and I want him homeless.
* Japanese scientists develop outer-space underwear you can wear for a week. Between this and the gadget that turns urine into drinking water, my boyhood dream of becoming an astronaut is dying a pretty horrible death.
* As Wall Street fails, all the brokers are getting drunk/high and going to rehab. No fair. If I have to be sober and look at my shambles of a life savings, so should they.
* I have dreamed so long for a woman to kick in my door and offer sex for $10. Based on the mugshot, I understand the bargain-basement price. But I would still consider it. Thankfully, she and her 15 coworkers are alive and well this morning.
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Come to the iO Theater next to Wrigley Field Thursday night at 8 to see Ben improvise with Whiskey Rebellion. Tickets: $12